Real or Fake?

The Husband and I got our Christmas Tree the other day. It's a live tree and he kept going on and on about how fresh it is. How the needles are all still soft.

He put it up and we decorated it.

The next day I asked: "Have you watered the tree yet?"

"No. I don't think it makes a difference."

Now we basically have a decorated, electrified tinder-waiting-to-happen in our family room.

Of course it doesn't matter! They just put that water receptacle in the base of the tree stand for looks!

HUSBANDS MASTERING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE....

On a trip to Germany back in 1970 we had the pleasure of staying at a fancy hotel in Munich....

The room up on the top floor had sloped ceilings a marble bath complete with

a telephone and a beautiful big glass top table...

Actually our room was up in the attic......but we were 20 and 21....What did we know.

After checking in the husband decided we needed some drinks and back in the

70's they didn't have soda machines down the hall.....

So in his best German he attempted to order room service...

He picks up the phone and this is what I hear.....

"I would like zwei Cola-Cola mit ice-n"

translation.....2 Cokes with ice.

why is it when people try to speak another language they tend to add

letters onto English words....

Have you ever heard anyone trying to speak Spanish....

the letter "O" usually gets added to the end of everything.....

Like this is going to make the poor person understand you better...

In this case Coca-Cola became Cola-Cola.....like a college cheer

and the letter "N" got added to ice.....

Room service guy shows up a few minutes later with 2 little glass coke bottles...

2 glasses of "ice-n"....on a tray and places it on the glass table.....

Gives us a look like we're two American nuts and leaves....

I'm hysterical by this point just from hearing Cola-Cola....

Husband picks up the Coke bottle and it promptly slides out of his hand....

Falling on the glass table and shattering the glass in a million pieces....

next morning we check out of the room and casually mention to the front desk clerk that the glass on the table broke and to please charge us on the bill for the damage....

He misunderstood us......thinking we broke "A" glass he added zwei dollars to the

bill.....Husband in his best English said....

Thank You......and we quickly departed out the front door.....

40 years later and we are still laughing at

"zwei Cola-Cola mit ice-n"....

Perception versus Reality

The baby asked for cold milk in a sippy cup. The Husband says: "The stuff in the dishwasher is clean." I think to myself, it's not clean. I didn't run it, but okay... I open the dishwasher and there are crumbs on the door and you can just tell that the stuff inside isn't clean.

The Husband tells me: "I got a sippy out of there this morning!"

Okay. I say: "It's not clean."

"But I got a sippy this morning."

Then I pull a plate out and show him a residual piece of old tuna fish.

He says: "But what I got was clean."

I'm thinking, okay, but the machine has dirty dishes in it, so therefore, whatever you pulled out of it had been used before and not washed.

I pick up a glass and say: "Look, this has lip-prints on it."

He counters with: "But what I got out was clean, you're showing me the wrong evidence."

Yes, because clearly, the machine was run and the only thing that got clean was the one thing you pulled out!

Stupid Things Other People's Husbands Do

I'm guessing it started off something like this:

"Honey, you've really got to do something about the leaves piling up outside."

(Which usually means, either put them in bags for the garbage men to take away, or find out when it's "leaf day" in your town, or mulch them... typically it does not mean what I saw on my way home today)....

There he was, somebody's husband, who had diligently folded down the seats in their Volvo wagon, covered the inside of the car with a blue tarp and was using a giant snow shovel to fill the car up with the leaves that were in a pile in front of his house.

Where exactly was he planning on taking them? Who knows!

I guess he should get points for knowing where a tarp was. Hmpf.

HUSBAND GOT AN ITCH?

TRY THIS............

And Sometimes Other People's Husbands Do Stupid Things Too....

Like the man who came to my garage sale yesterday and paid me a quarter for an old remote control.

I don't even know what it was for (old TV, VCR, air-conditioner? Who Knows?)

Likelihood that he owns the object that it's compatible for? Zero

Maybe he lost his remote at home and just wants to be able to sit around in his Lazy-Boy holding on to something. I'll leave it at that.

HUSBANDS AND SEARS.......A Love Affair.

Okay what is it with husbands and Sears....Men flock to Sears and Craftsman crap like

us ladies flock to Louis Vuitton and Chanel......

Only the stuff we buy serves a purpose.....

Which brings me to today's visit to our local Sears Service Center

to drop off our steam cleaner that breaks more often then works....

I leave the husband for two minutes to turn in the broken machine and next thing I know he has the young kid salesperson going through boxes looking for who knows what?

Not only is this a drop off service center but leave it to Sears to sell

re-conditioned crap that other people have returned....

Hey.....that's where the husbands come in....Sears knows they have a market for this stuff....

That's when I see kid salesperson bring out a big box from the backroom.....Was I the only one to notice what the big box said.......

Now I don't know about you ladies but when someone is trying to sell me something that has

been "re-conditioned"....I wouldn't take a box that says "DAMAGED" on the side if they gave it to me for free....

Are you with me on this one.....

So I hear Boob #1 behind the counter say to Boob #2 in front of the counter....

"Oh just ignore that it's fine"......

followed by Boob #2 saying....

"Oh Okay"....

Now the item in question works with a big ass battery.....does the battery come with the item....

NO.

Why would it........this way Sears can sell you additional crap so item can work when you get it home....

So.....next thing I see husband out in front of the store on the sidewalk with "kid salesman"

rooting through a bin of Craftsman tool bags....

Not just any tool bag......inside you get a drill and a flashlight....the needed battery and a

charger all for $39.99......

Now how can any husband worth their weight in power tools pass up such a deal....

I was offered 3 bags of trash compactor bags so I took him up on that offer and we are now the proud owners of this.........

Yes......a Die Hard truck.....minus a battery to make it work for $39.99

so for a total of a little under $80.00 we now have a toy truck

to torment the dog and a new flashlight.....

Oh I forgot the tool bag and the 19.2 Volt Battery so that the truck isn't just a big useless

piece of plastic......

You Gotta Love Sears.

HUSBANDS WITH FAULTY MEMORIES......

This morning this is what showed up on my doorstep......beautiful flowers....... Later on in the day the mailman......delivered these little Halloween Goodies.....

Included were 2 Halloween/Anniversary Cards......

From the Daughter.......

No point in getting married on a major holiday when the day comes and the husband says when he sees the flowers being delivered......

"Oh.....is today Halloween?"..........

Thanks daughter!

Here are a couple of great contributions from Cheri:























A Head for Numbers:

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 


'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!

Where The Wild Things Are

Where are the Wild Things?

They should make a new children's story.

The Wild Thing is in the guestroom, watching football on tv. He's the Husband (or aka "Dad", to the little ones) and this is what happens when he doesn't shave (or shower) on a Saturday.

Things That Go Boom.

Not too long ago I was in a car accident. I was at a red light, waiting to make a right hand turn and a car hit me from behind.

Both my Husband and my Dad asked: "Did you see them coming?"

I think this serves to demonstrate that men and women operate automobiles very, very differently. How often do you find yourself sitting at a red light, waiting to make a right turn, looking in your rearview mirror to see whether someone is going to come up from behind and hit you?

It's just like how men won't sit with their back to a door!

Boo!

Stupid Thing # 2046:


Is it just me, or does your Husband also have the keen ability to sniff out whatever Halloween candy that you've bought (and hidden) and then eat it all well before Halloween?



Hello, I bought it to give away to *kids*!!!

(image courtesy of Hersheys.com)

Go Buckeyes!

Cheri says:

A friend sent this to me and I thought it was too funny not to share.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt..

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

OTHER WOMEN'S STUPID HUSBANDS..........

Maytag repair called me today to renew my service contract on my dishwasher....

And it got me thinking that there are Alot of really Stupid men in the

Home repair/appliance repair/Home improvement

Industry....

And these men most likely have some poor suffering wife at home

shaking her head and wondering how did she end up married to this

Boob?

Instead of a Boob.....what happened to all the Bob Vilas of the world.....

Why doesn't a Bob show up to fix my stove or help me at the

Home Depot....

No Bob's to be found.....only Boobs.....

H ere are a few good examples.....

Last time Maytag sent out a guy to repair my dish washer he didn't have a clue........ First of all he was British...

Have you ever in your life had a British repair man show up at your door.....No.

Men with English accents should not be servicing appliances....

They seem...well........too dignified....

He was nice enough and I really enjoyed hearing him talk....it was like having

"Lovejoy".......Ian McShane in your kitchen....

But the poor man didn't have any idea how to fix a dish washer......

After about a half hour of fiddling and doing nothing....he admitted he was new and his

last job was that of a T.V. repair man......

Great...... A Boob with an accent.

Then there was the guy in the flooring department at the Home Depot.....

Needing to replace our outdated linoleum floor in the kitchen I went looking for

hardwoods.....

I brought in my measurements nice as could be and picked out lovely stained wood....

I got a price with installation and made an appointment for the

measuring guy.......this is a real job?.....to come and verify my measurements....

What's worse then a repairman with no experience.....

A man with a Tape Measure who doesn't want to work....

He takes all the crucial measurements and the next day Boob #1 calls me with the bad news....

You can't have a hardwood floor put down because the floor is 1/4 of an inch off in two spots...

1/4 of an inch people!!

Is there any house ever built who's floor is perfectly level....I would think not.....

That's when this genius gives me the good news....

It seems the only possible thing I can install on this floor is

#1......more out dated linoleum.....or......

#2. CARPET.

Only a man would suggest that you put carpet in a kitchen.......

And then you have the Home Repair guy.....

You know like a handyman.....

Sometimes these guys operate in the after hours....after they finish up their day time job....

A strange bunch but sometimes you need to use their services.....

We hired this man to turn our washer/dryer area in our kitchen into a pass thru island into the family room.....

He showed up every night on time doing a little bit every night....

dry wall.....trim.....and he was almost done....and he was to get paid at the end of the job....

Then one night he never showed up.....Job undone....no money changed hands....

But do you think a women would work for weeks then disappear one night and never come back to get paid....

This guy went from your basic Boob to a Big Moron....

and the Plumber that came in after him to install a little prep sink....

hooked up the hot and cold water backwards.....

Case Closed......

cartoon courtesy of www.cartoonstock.com

The Weather Channel

Why is it that so many men, the Husband included, are obsessed with "The Weather Channel"? There was a time in our married life where he would have the local forecast channel on in the background so often (with that goofy-oft repeating muzak) that I felt like I was living in a hotel room.

And it's not just him. The other night we saw a commercial for Comfort Hotels and the commercial showed a family staying at one of their hotels and getting ready for a day on their vacation. The announcer says: "Dad's checking the weather, while Mom and the Kids are getting ready!"

Last night we were deciding whether to suit up the baby in a sleep sack and the Husband's response was: "Check weather.com!"

This would all be perfectly fine except for the whole fact that the folks at The Weather Channel (and meteorologists in general) have pretty limited abilities when it comes to forecasting beyond the immediate future. This continually leads the Husband to be revising his own forecast and getting frustrated that he's seeded/fertilized and it's not going to rain, he's washed the car and it is going to rain, it's cold but he has no coat or it's hot and he's got on a sweater.

Personally, I just want to know the extremes-- is it going to be really hot, really cold or will it rain. Otherwise, surprise me.

Snoring.

What's with that? Now, mind you, I know I am lucky. The Husband only tends to snore when he is extremely tired. It's not an every night occurrence, but still... how often do you hear of women snoring and keeping their husbands awake?

I came up to bed last night and the sound was so loud I half expected Teddy Roosevelt to burst through the door with an Elephant gun.

When I mentioned this to the Husband this evening he asked: "well, did you kick me?" (He knows I have a history of shaking him awake to stop the snore-fest).

Happily, I hadn't needed to resort to any sort of drastic action. He happened to roll over and knock himself out of snore mode by himself... at least long enough for me to fall asleep...

By the Pound

We're apple picking yesterday.

The Husband is escorting the Baby around picking apples with glee and throwing every apple into our bag.

I stop and say that we don't need to take every apple-- we should see if they're good or not. (After all, we had paid $5 admission to the "apple festival" so if we pick a few bad apples, I don't think ettiquette requires us to buy them)...

Right before we go to pay I say to the Husband: "We should go through this bag and pick out the bad ones."

Husband: "Why? It's $1.49 per bag!"

Me: "Um, make that $1.49 per POUND! Remember last year-- that's how we got schnookered into buying $40 worth of pumpkins!"

Husband: "Oh. I think the sign on the other side of the bin said it was $1.49 per bag!"

Me: "I read the sign. It said per POUND."

More Laundry, and Potty Training...

Devie says:

One evening before bed, i asked my darling hubby to help me wrap up some last minute chores.

Me: "Honey will you please put the clothes from the washer in the dryer for me?"

Darling Husband: "Ok, do you want me to turn the dryer on?"

Me: (Rolling eyes) wishing i could have said : "No my dear, i want you to leave the wet clothes in the dryer to mildew overnight." What was really said, "Yes."

During a potty training episode:

Me: "Honey, will you please go take the toddler to the potty?"

Darling Husband: Yelling from the bathroom " honey, what are we doing with the pee!?"

Me: (Rolling eyes) "Flush it, unless you want to save it for the baby book."

Three Coins in a Fountain

Do you find random change on the floor all around your house?

I have found that nickles, dimes, pennies (but rarely quarters) are scattered about in just about any room where my Husband takes off his pants. I guess they just drop out of his pockets, which leads one to the question of: "if a coin falls in a room where there's only a man, does he hear it fall?" Apparently not.

Boyfriends do Stupid Things To

My college boyfriend was a great guy. Super smart, super funny and I'm happy to say he's still a one of my friends today.

However, back then, he was a bit of a drinker. So one night, he comes to my dorm room after having had who knows how many drinks and while I'm out brushing my teeth before bed he passes out on my floor.

Sometime in the middle of the night I hear stirring and I see Boyfriend standing up, seemingly awake. In the darkness I look over and see that he's unzipping his pants. I think: "Okay, what the *hell*??"

Next thing I know, he's standing in front of my wastepaper basket and he's peeing in my trashcan. (Let's not discuss the fact that I lived on a very small floor and that the men's room was right outside of my door).

Upon seeing this my first reaction was to throw a beloved stuffed animal at him in an attempt to wake him out of his half-drunk daze. It worked, but obviously, you can't really stop someone while they're in the middle of peeing.

Needless to say, the next day, flowers were delivered. But still, the trashcan peeing will be an image burned in my mind for life.

Dishes, Dishes...

Cheri tells:

Well you get the socks and I get the dishes. Actually I also get the clothes (not just socks) piled behind our bedroom door and the laundry room is right behind our room. Can’t make it there either.
Hubby can’t seem to make it 34” (literally) from the sink to the dishwasher to put his dishes in. He will rinse them and they stay in the sink. IF I am there putting my dishes in the dishwasher he will hand me his to put in. Not that I can’t do it, but hey... he can take that one step possibly two to put in his own. He seems to think that when I am around ... I am the MAID. News Flash... NOT! Well all I can do is shake my head on this one... If I leave the dishwasher door down because I know he will be coming soon to put his dishes in (I at least I tell myself that if I do this he “will” put them in ... this is one of those subtle hints we try to give our hubbies that they never get) anyhow... I come back later and find... you guessed it... the door still down. Gotta love’m

Socks, Laundry. Laundry, Socks.

Does your Husband ever leave his socks balled up next to the bed (or his chair, or in the bathroom, or wherever it happens to be that he's removed them?)

I often find my Husband sitting on his side of the bed reading, with a pair of balled up socks on the floor nearby.

"I'll say: "Are you planning on wearing these again?"

And I'll get a somewhat sheepish look back:

"No." (By "No", he actually meant, "well, yes, so I don't have to look for clean ones in the morning." Because, you know, socks can air out, right? It's better for the environment!)

So, I pick up the sock balls and put them in the hamper (which is approximately two feet away).

Rule of thumb: When you own your own washer and dryer (and you have someone else doing the laundry for you): the life expectancy of sock wearing equals one day.

Mr. Clean

Do you ever go into your shower and find that your Husband appears to be using the smallest possible sliver of soap that anyone could ever use? Like something that literally must require him to hold it with a tweezer? I'll be cleaning his shower and see these tiny, miniscule, micro slivers of Irish Spring, so tiny, in fact, that if you go to pick them up, they just kind of dissolve.

Because that's so much easier than just saying to your wife:

"Honey, buy some soap."

(Or, heaven forbid, "Is there more soap?" to which the answer tends to be: "Yes, it's with all of the other extra soap, in that magical place called a "closet" which is where we keep the soap.")

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF HUSBANDS........

E-mailed to me today with the quote.....

"Finally an accurate description of me"......

Atleast he recognizes his faults......

It's Football Season

Do I need to say more?

Foam Fingers, Cheese-Head hats. The whole nine yards. Literally.

Crossing the State Line

Yesterday I was at a baby shower for a friend and I was sans-baby. I had left our girl at home with the Husband. I called after a while to check in and I could tell that they were in the car. I asked, "where are you guys?" "We're in Pennsylvania"

Mind you, we do live not too far from the border, and in all fairness I was in New York for the day, but still.

"Are you looking for Chick-Fil-A?"

"Yup."

Yes, he had taken my child across state lines to find fast food.

Apparently, All Clothing Looks Alike To Them

So one evening, when the Baby was about 6 or 7 months old, the Husband was getting her ready for bed. When I come upstairs to help, I find our daughter changed into her Jammies. Except, she wasn't wearing Jammies, she was wearing a long-sleeved, footed play romper with a floral print and a fancy lace collar. While this may have been considered jammies in the Elizabethan period, it certainly wasn't the kitten-print flannel PJs I had in mind.

SUE ARE YOU LISTENING???

I am married to a World Class Talker......

If they had Olympics for talking he would be Mark Spitz....

Yes, ladies be jealous if you will....I have a husband that actually talks....

I know there are some ladies out there who have the type of husband that can take a road trip and not say a word for 8 hours locked up inside a car.....

Not me....

But with that comes a few roadblocks....

He never shuts up....

He can talk for 4 to 5 hours on end without taking a bathroom break and he's been doing it

for the past 39 years....

I know everything there is to know about Joseph Stalin and we have re-created

World War 2 more times then I care to count.....

I think he wanted daughter to get a law degree just so he could talk to her about the

Constitution.....daughter....can you verify that.

But it took him 39 years to come up with a way to catch me not listening....

I usually will sit and just nod and on occasion say the obligatory

"Uh Hu"....."Okay"......"I Agree"....

but today he caught me.....

While talking about the life and times of Vince Lombardi.....(photo above)

Oh and by the way this discussion was brought on after seeing the story on the news about the high school coach that is being prosecuted for the death of a player......

When half way through Vince's career highlights the "Boss" as the husband is called...

interjects the name of another football coach...

"Colonel Klink"

Finally after all these years he has figured out that by throwing in a fake name he can actually see if I'm paying attention...,.

Ofcourse I always have atleast one ear open just for this type of thing so I caught it immediately and asked what did Hogan's Heroes have to do with Vince Lombardi.....

We did have a good laugh.....then went on to the next subject of

Conversation.......

Caddy Shack

Yesterday, from a third story window, the Husband spotted a ground hog in our yard. Now this particular creature has made many, many, large gaping holes throughout our front and back yard (but, it's just so damn cute!). Upon seeing the critter, the Husband, determined as ever, runs downstairs. The next thing I see is him stalking through the backyard (armed and dangerous) looking very Jason-Bourne-Esque attempting to rout out the ground hog which has taken off for greener pastures.

I'm sure TNT a-la Bill Murray in Caddy Shack won't be far behind.

SHOOT FIRST.....DRESS LATER.

Let me first preface this story by saying we live in a state that not only allows gun ownership.....

They encourage it.....

Infact the next town over requires all it's residents to own a gun...

If you own a house......you have to own a gun....

Now with that being said.....

A number of years ago we were sitting around the family room when we started to hear strange scratching noises....

Much like the scene in Christmas Vacation when only Aunt Bethany can hear the noise.....

We have a wood burning stove in this room with a huge stone back wall and a big stove pipe that comes out of the wall.....

The noise finally showed itself.....a squirrel came right out from where the stove pipe meets the stone....They are limber little buggers....

It started darting all over the room...running behind all the furniture....

At this point me and the daughter run up to the second floor and proceed to watch the excitement from the balcony over looking the great room....

We think this is pretty funny in a creepy sort of way....The husband starts chasing the squirrel to try to get it to go out the front door.....

He calls for backup in the form of our Golden Retriever Gunther......

Gunther was just a big hunk of love and not exactly a dog with killer instincts....

The husband is calling Gunther and what does he do......well...he runs up the stairs and comes and stands behind us......

now the husband is pissed because even the dog deserted him.....

and it didn't help that we were laughing.....

First rule.....when a husband is pissed...don't let him think that you think it's funny...

He finally gets the rodent out the front door.....and by the way it was just a baby squirrel and pretty cute at that...

When he reaches for his shotgun and goes running out the door chasing this little thing....

He fires a shot into the grass missing the squirrel and the squirrel by now is long gone....

Now this might not seem like a stupid husband thing to do right?

Well picture a 250 pound man chasing a 2 pound squirrel at night with a

shotgun....

In his jockey shorts and shoes.....

Thank God it was dark out.....

A Message from A. Husband

Howdy, ladies! Here's one for you: sometimes husbands actually read their mother-in-laws' blogs, where they find and click on interesting-looking links ... like this one, for instance. Of course with clever pseudonyms like "The Missus", "Sue" and "Thisbe" one cannot say for certain who is posting stories about whom, but what is certain is that the posts are in fact pretty darn funny. Of course one could always see how some husbands who weren't given the courtesy of a heads-up that their wives were going to be blowing off steam might find it, I don't know -- somewhat mean? But don't let that discourage you: keep up the great work! Practical tips like "just let her buy her own gifts" and "stop doing yard work" are almost as priceless as the stories. Yours faithfully, A. Husband

Bad Timing

The Husband isn't much of a conversationalist, which is a sticking point for me since I come from a long, long line of talkers. But, when does he put on the Chatty-Cathy? Whenever there's something on TV that I want to watch! Or if I'm on the phone (i.e., with someone else). What's with that?

Annoying and Stupid

Cheri says:

Leaving Lancaster and heading up to Erie I decided it was safer for me and the pups (hubby is constantly on the phone with work) if I did the driving... How hard could it be since hubby bought me a new GPS that is more detailed then the last one. There was a time when I was a pro at map reading and my confidence in getting us from point A to point B never waned until I got married and slowly my confidence dwindled and now I go no where or rely on my GPS, but I digress ... The GPS said to go one way and hubby kept sticking his finger in my face (which is completely ANNOYING) pointing in the complete opposite direction, so knowing hubby like I do, it was best to go his way.

After buzzing down the high way a bit I hear, “I knew I should have done the driving.” Not only did my confidence wane after that comment but he really ticked me off since it was the direction he pointed for me to take in the first place! How could he be so thoughtless (since he was on the phone and the person on the other end heard) when he knows how fragile my confidence has been since we moved and trying to find my way around.

I also have one of “those” husbands that even though the map, GPS and daughters directions say to go this way, he always likes to find “the short” cut that ends up taking us longer. Plus the fact that whenever I say something like, “ I am sure that we are suppose to take 401 not 501” that in his mind I am never and I repeat NEVER right, and when I am, right that is, he can NEVER admit that he should have listened to ME. So... we take a supposed “short cut” to daughter’s new house in NC and when we come to a cross roads he goes left up 501, I said, “you should have went straight and stayed on 401.” Hubby: “No, I think we were suppose to turn here.” Me: “I really think we were to go straight”About 6 miles up the road hubby realizes we should have went straight and then says, “I guess we should have stayed on 401 and went straight but I thought this was a short cut, why didn’t you tell me?”

Can you hear my head EXPLODE!

Who Knew I Was Married to a Cross-Dresser?

Earlier this summer the fam was hanging out by the pool. Mom and Dad were in town and we were having a nice relaxing swim. The Husband, as usual, was doing yard work. After a bit though, he decided to join us. He went inside to put on his trunks and when he came back outside he was getting ready to do his traditional cannonball into the pool. I happened to notice that his red swim trunks looked a little tight. Upon closer inspection, when he went to get out of the pool, I was surprised to see a very Ralph-Lauren-y nautical button/sailor pant motif going on on the front of the shorts. (Not the usual drawstring that the trunks typically have). When he was about to jump in for the second time it was then that I realized he was wearing my mom's shorts, not swim trunks. According to the Husband, he just picked up the first pair of red shorts he found in the laundry pile. While I'm sure we're all glad to know that at least he wasn't wearing women's underwear under the shorts, the down side for my mom is he wasn't wearing any underwear at all. I don't think we'll ever look at those poor shorts the same way again.

Next Time, I'll Buy Something Myself.

My husband bought me a telescope for Christmas.

Do I really have to say much more than that?

I think the rule of thumb is if it comes in a box so large that you run out of wrapping paper it's probably a bad idea (unless it's a car, or a fur coat, but obviously there are always exceptions to any rule).

To be completely fair I had said (a week or so before the big day) that "we" should get a telescope. But it was more meant in the "we" as in "the family" (i.e., for our daughter, etc.) not like "we" should get a diamond tennis bracelet. That would have been more of a suggestive "we", rather than a "we" as in not "me".

Sometimes Wives Do Stupid Things Too

The other day I was out at a farm market with a friend. There was a giant display of fresh made potato chips, all neatly arranged in white paper bags. My friend said the chips were really good, so I thought I'd buy a bag.

They had Plain, Barbeque and Sweet. It should be known that I hadn't had much sleep the night before.

I saw the sign for the "Sweet" chips and asked my friend if they're any good. Her reply was that she likes them. In my brain I thought: "Gee, I wonder what they're like? Maybe they've got a dusting of sugar?"

It wasn't until I got home and opened the bag and saw a pile of sad, saggy orange chips that it dawned on me that they were SWEET POTATO (aka YAM) chips, not "Sweet" Potato Chips.

Yeah. It was one of those days. I think this is clear evidence that one never quite recovers from those brain cells lost during Pregnancy. At least my feet went back to being their right size.

BIRTHING 101.......The Horror stories continue....

Atleast Cheri's Husband appeared to actually be at the hospital when her daughter's were born....

I was dropped off and later told....

"Hey, they didn't have a New Father's Waiting Room.....

I wasn't about to sit in the emergancy room with sick and injured people...."

Okay.

Outside the labor room....

My Mother.....My Next door neighbor....the Best friend.....

Home sound asleep....

The husband....

to add insult to injury....
it was my Birthday!

cartoon by: newlifemidwifery.org...

File Under: Twin Cemetery Plots

A few years ago my Husband says to me very earnestly: "When we're old, I hope that you die first. I think i could handle being alone better than you could."

Thanks for the sentiment, but I think that between death and being alone, I'll take alone.

In fact, I already have a cruise booked.

Commando Gardening

(Our second email contribution, thanks to Necie!!)

I did most of the yard and garden work at the homestead until I blew a couple of discs in my neck. The commander was forced to take over the outside work. He found an easy way to control the weeds growing in the lawn by using a product you attach to your hose to spray the chemical. That worked well. He also sprayed the weed killer in the pine island, on the shrubs and well...everything. We lost most of the shrubs. I thought we would lose a 10 year old Japanese maple, but only the limbs close to the ground died. It now looks like a large Japanese maple mushroom.

Birthing 101.... the Hubby Didn't Get The Memo On Labor

Here's our first story sent in by an email contributor, Cheri:

I was reading the post on “It’s Hereditary” and it brought me back to the birth of our first child.
We were living in NC at the time, far from family and friends. It was a couple nights before my due date when we went to Pizza Hut for dinner and I was invited to a make-up party, the girls there were kidding me that they were getting me all “dolled up“ for the hospital... Well little did everyone know that that wasn’t a joke. We got home around 11:00 PM and before going to bed hubby asks me if I think we will be going to the hospital tonight because if I thought we were, he wasn’t going to go to sleep. How the heck do I know... I hadn’t had any contractions... so I told him to go to sleep. Well about 1:00 AM they started coming fast and furious. I couldn’t tell when one ended and the next one started. Woke up hubby to start timing and because we couldn’t tell when one started and ended (they just seem to run into one another) he decided to go back to sleep. Who does this??? This is our FIRST child. After a bit I woke him again and we called the Dr., Dr. asked “why are you calling me, get to the hospital.” So in my nightgown, bed raggled hair I grab my suitcase and go to the front door and hubby hollars to me, “Do I have time to take a shower?” Sure, honey I’ll just wait by the front door for ya... Are you kidding me! He took that literally and went to take a shower (I guess he wanted to be the best smelling new daddy at the hospital... like anyone cares). The hospital was only about 4 miles from our house (thank God), we parked and as we were walking to the ER I had several contractions, had to stop in the parking lot because I could not take another step, did he get me a wheel chair... Ahh ... No. Gradually we did make it. I was put in the wheel chair, wheeled up to Delivery and was told that I was so far dilated by the time we arrived at the hospital that they couldn’t give me anything and I would have to do natural child birth... All I can say is my hubby was darn lucky that that was our plan (natural child birth) or he might have been in the bed next to me with his own injuries. Fours after my first pang our daughter was born.

Now it doesn’t stop there...

We had two more children and baby number 2 hubby had to stop when he saw one of his line men working and chat about whatever while on our way to the hospital, does the man not learn? Two hours later daughter #2 was born and the Dr. had warned us that because baby #1 came within 4 hours that each pregnancy would probably be faster.

He finally learned at baby number 3 but that was only because I had a Dr. appt., went into labor on the exam table and the hospital was right next door; if it wasn’t, I am sure hubby would have found someone to talk to on our way to the hospital. And yes, daughter #3 was born in 2 hours.
Our girls were good to me with easy labor and delivery... Unlike hubby who apparently wasn’t feeling any sympathy pains for me.

Thirty one years later and I am still married to the man

Crop Circles

We've got a pool with a nice concrete patio around it. We've also got a toddler, which means in the summertime, a kiddie pool. My Husband, ever concerned with lawn care, placed the kiddie pool on the concrete patio, *right next* to the deep end of the pool. Now, being a Mom, I saw many potential dangers in this arrangement. Obviously, the proximity to the deep end is a clear problem, but also knowing that toddlers are not the most coordinated lot on the planet, I could visualize endless slips and falls onto the concrete while said toddler is trying to climb in and out of the kiddie pool (which of course, to my child, the climbing in and out of the pool is as much fun, if not more fun, than actually being in the pool).

Why didn't my Husband put it on the lawn, like we had last year, and where it would at least be a *little* bit less of an open water hazard? He didn't want it making a kiddie-pool shaped depression on the lawn. Thanks, Hon!

Needless to say, I moved it.

BAD DRIVING.....101

They say women are bad drivers.....how many of you ladies have ever white knuckled your way through an evening out with the husband......

Close your eyes much when he's behind the wheel...??

Well, I was in the car one day with the "Boss" driving up to the outlet mall on Hwy 400....

A two lane highway where the speed limit is 65 but with a few traffic lights thrown in just to keep you on your toes....

In the fast lane going a high rate of speed behind a V.W. we started to approach one of the traffic lights....

The light turns yellow as we get near....

Then "Death" spoke from the drivers side of the car....

"I'm sick of stopping at all these damn lights.....I'm going thru it "......

All well and good but the women in the V.W. had other plans.....

She wasn't going thru it...she had plans to stop....

While I'm yelling....."She's Going to Stop!!!!!"

He managed to manuever the SSR into the right lane.....and might I add that he didn't have time to see if anyone was in that lane.....

Luckily there wasn't and....

Luckily even at the ripe old age of 60 the Boss hasn't lost his lightning fast reflex's....

on the other hand is patience is dwindling....

It's Hereditary....

So. I told my Mom (hereinafter Mimi) about the creation of this blog, and unsurprisingly, she immediately had several stories about Stupid Things her Husband (my Dad) did.

This one is my favorite:

When Mimi was 9 months pregnant with my younger brother, she went to her doctor for a sonogram. The sonogram showed nothing exciting, just that she was indeed at the end of her pregnancy and my brother appeared to be healthy, etc. My father could not attend this appointment, so Mimi finished up and drove home. On the way home, she started to feel unwell. And indeed, having already had a child, recognized signs that she might be in labor. So upon her arrival home she calls my father. Here is a transcript of that conversation:

Mimi: Hi - I think that I am in labor, I really don't feel well.
My Dad: What? No. No. That's not possible. You were just at the doctor. You had a sonogram.
Mimi: Um. No. Really. I think I'm in labor. I need to go to the hospital.
My Dad: Well. I think you're wrong. They'll never admit you. Can you just drive yourself?

It is a testament to her patience that he remains both married to her and in one piece.

Half-Caf, Decaf

When the baby was about 18 months old my Husband decided to let her have some of his mocha frappuccino. Needless to say she sucked down about half of the container before he could wrestle it from her grabby-hands. A bit later, my Husband wondered why it was that the baby seemed to be on speed. Really? Did he not know the frappuccino is a coffee product? Now our 18 month old not only had chocolate and sugar pulsing through her veins but caffeine as well?

At least he's learning. Last night before bed he gave baby a cookie. Before he left the kitchen he admitted that he would take full responsibility for the sugar induced consequences.

SELF-EXPLANATORY.......

replacing the ceiling fan.........................

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping...

Howdy Ladies!

As Weef correctly noted, we have had many a conversation about the ridiculous things our husbands do. And we have long suspected that we are not alone. So come one, come all, commiserate with us!

Husbands: we love them, but we do not understand how they have survived this long unattended.

Today's story: recently Thisbe went to the grocery store with her daughter, the Wee Kraken. Up to this point, the WK had been a fairly good sport at the grocery store. Sitting in the cart and singing 80s tunes, and generally being a 3 year old, but otherwise, fine. However, on this expedition, the WK demanded to sit "in the big part" of the shopping cart. Upon further questioning she tearfully explained that "Daddy lets [her] ride in the big part!" Now. We all know that there are many reasons why letting your child ride in the big part of the cart is a bad idea, not the least of which are 1) it is dangerous - your child could easily topple the cart or attempt to crawl out and hurt him/herself and 2) that, um, GROCERIES go in there, and a 3 year old is going to trample/squish/destroy them. I mean, let's face it: 3 year olds and a carton of eggs? A bad combination. But she was not to be deterred or consoled. My child pitched one of the worst tantrums in her short life.* After we finished our very unpleasant shopping experience, I called my husband. I could not believe he would allow her to do something so dangerous and inconvenient and was convinced she'd gotten the idea from another child she saw in the store. The following is a transcript of that conversation:

Me: Hey. Did you let the WK ride in the big part of the shopping cart? Because she says you did, but I know you'd never do that, right? Because, you know, it is so dangerous and also makes the actual shopping a nightmare....
Husband: ....
Me: RIGHT???? You wouldn't do that??????
Husband: Um. Well. I certainly won't do it ANYMORE
Me: [head exploding]

We've gone to the grocery store several times since this incident. And the child *still* pitches a fit about sitting in the front of the cart.

*I was victorious in getting her to sit in the front of the cart. But it was a scene that I do not care to discuss. Suffice to say, there were many toys taken away that day...