Wednesday, September 30, 2009

OTHER WOMEN'S STUPID HUSBANDS..........

Maytag repair called me today to renew my service contract on my dishwasher....
And it got me thinking that there are Alot of really Stupid men in the
Home repair/appliance repair/Home improvement
Industry....
And these men most likely have some poor suffering wife at home
shaking her head and wondering how did she end up married to this
Boob?
Instead of a Boob.....what happened to all the Bob Vilas of the world.....
Why doesn't a Bob show up to fix my stove or help me at the
Home Depot....
No Bob's to be found.....only Boobs.....
H ere are a few good examples.....
Last time Maytag sent out a guy to repair my dish washer he didn't have a clue........ First of all he was British...
Have you ever in your life had a British repair man show up at your door.....No.
Men with English accents should not be servicing appliances....
They seem...well........too dignified....
He was nice enough and I really enjoyed hearing him talk....it was like having
"Lovejoy".......Ian McShane in your kitchen....
But the poor man didn't have any idea how to fix a dish washer......
After about a half hour of fiddling and doing nothing....he admitted he was new and his
last job was that of a T.V. repair man......
Great...... A Boob with an accent.
Then there was the guy in the flooring department at the Home Depot.....
Needing to replace our outdated linoleum floor in the kitchen I went looking for
hardwoods.....
I brought in my measurements nice as could be and picked out lovely stained wood....
I got a price with installation and made an appointment for the
measuring guy.......this is a real job?.....to come and verify my measurements....
What's worse then a repairman with no experience.....
A man with a Tape Measure who doesn't want to work....
He takes all the crucial measurements and the next day Boob #1 calls me with the bad news....
You can't have a hardwood floor put down because the floor is 1/4 of an inch off in two spots...
1/4 of an inch people!!
Is there any house ever built who's floor is perfectly level....I would think not.....
That's when this genius gives me the good news....
It seems the only possible thing I can install on this floor is
#1......more out dated linoleum.....or......
#2. CARPET.
Only a man would suggest that you put carpet in a kitchen.......
And then you have the Home Repair guy.....
You know like a handyman.....
Sometimes these guys operate in the after hours....after they finish up their day time job....
A strange bunch but sometimes you need to use their services.....
We hired this man to turn our washer/dryer area in our kitchen into a pass thru island into the family room.....
He showed up every night on time doing a little bit every night....
dry wall.....trim.....and he was almost done....and he was to get paid at the end of the job....
Then one night he never showed up.....Job undone....no money changed hands....
But do you think a women would work for weeks then disappear one night and never come back to get paid....
This guy went from your basic Boob to a Big Moron....
and the Plumber that came in after him to install a little prep sink....
hooked up the hot and cold water backwards.....
Case Closed......
cartoon courtesy of www.cartoonstock.com

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Weather Channel

Why is it that so many men, the Husband included, are obsessed with "The Weather Channel"? There was a time in our married life where he would have the local forecast channel on in the background so often (with that goofy-oft repeating muzak) that I felt like I was living in a hotel room.

And it's not just him. The other night we saw a commercial for Comfort Hotels and the commercial showed a family staying at one of their hotels and getting ready for a day on their vacation. The announcer says: "Dad's checking the weather, while Mom and the Kids are getting ready!"

Last night we were deciding whether to suit up the baby in a sleep sack and the Husband's response was: "Check weather.com!"

This would all be perfectly fine except for the whole fact that the folks at The Weather Channel (and meteorologists in general) have pretty limited abilities when it comes to forecasting beyond the immediate future. This continually leads the Husband to be revising his own forecast and getting frustrated that he's seeded/fertilized and it's not going to rain, he's washed the car and it is going to rain, it's cold but he has no coat or it's hot and he's got on a sweater.

Personally, I just want to know the extremes-- is it going to be really hot, really cold or will it rain. Otherwise, surprise me.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Snoring.

What's with that? Now, mind you, I know I am lucky. The Husband only tends to snore when he is extremely tired. It's not an every night occurrence, but still... how often do you hear of women snoring and keeping their husbands awake?

I came up to bed last night and the sound was so loud I half expected Teddy Roosevelt to burst through the door with an Elephant gun.

When I mentioned this to the Husband this evening he asked: "well, did you kick me?" (He knows I have a history of shaking him awake to stop the snore-fest).

Happily, I hadn't needed to resort to any sort of drastic action. He happened to roll over and knock himself out of snore mode by himself... at least long enough for me to fall asleep...

Monday, September 21, 2009

By the Pound


We're apple picking yesterday.

The Husband is escorting the Baby around picking apples with glee and throwing every apple into our bag.

I stop and say that we don't need to take every apple-- we should see if they're good or not. (After all, we had paid $5 admission to the "apple festival" so if we pick a few bad apples, I don't think ettiquette requires us to buy them)...

Right before we go to pay I say to the Husband: "We should go through this bag and pick out the bad ones."

Husband: "Why? It's $1.49 per bag!"

Me: "Um, make that $1.49 per POUND! Remember last year-- that's how we got schnookered into buying $40 worth of pumpkins!"

Husband: "Oh. I think the sign on the other side of the bin said it was $1.49 per bag!"

Me: "I read the sign. It said per POUND."

More Laundry, and Potty Training...

Devie says:

One evening before bed, i asked my darling hubby to help me wrap up some last minute chores.

Me: "Honey will you please put the clothes from the washer in the dryer for me?"

Darling Husband: "Ok, do you want me to turn the dryer on?"

Me: (Rolling eyes) wishing i could have said : "No my dear, i want you to leave the wet clothes in the dryer to mildew overnight." What was really said, "Yes."

During a potty training episode:

Me: "Honey, will you please go take the toddler to the potty?"

Darling Husband: Yelling from the bathroom " honey, what are we doing with the pee!?"

Me: (Rolling eyes) "Flush it, unless you want to save it for the baby book."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Three Coins in a Fountain

Do you find random change on the floor all around your house?

I have found that nickles, dimes, pennies (but rarely quarters) are scattered about in just about any room where my Husband takes off his pants. I guess they just drop out of his pockets, which leads one to the question of: "if a coin falls in a room where there's only a man, does he hear it fall?" Apparently not.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Boyfriends do Stupid Things To

My college boyfriend was a great guy. Super smart, super funny and I'm happy to say he's still a one of my friends today.

However, back then, he was a bit of a drinker. So one night, he comes to my dorm room after having had who knows how many drinks and while I'm out brushing my teeth before bed he passes out on my floor.

Sometime in the middle of the night I hear stirring and I see Boyfriend standing up, seemingly awake. In the darkness I look over and see that he's unzipping his pants. I think: "Okay, what the *hell*??"

Next thing I know, he's standing in front of my wastepaper basket and he's peeing in my trashcan. (Let's not discuss the fact that I lived on a very small floor and that the men's room was right outside of my door).

Upon seeing this my first reaction was to throw a beloved stuffed animal at him in an attempt to wake him out of his half-drunk daze. It worked, but obviously, you can't really stop someone while they're in the middle of peeing.

Needless to say, the next day, flowers were delivered. But still, the trashcan peeing will be an image burned in my mind for life.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Dishes, Dishes...

Cheri tells:

Well you get the socks and I get the dishes. Actually I also get the clothes (not just socks) piled behind our bedroom door and the laundry room is right behind our room. Can’t make it there either.
Hubby can’t seem to make it 34” (literally) from the sink to the dishwasher to put his dishes in. He will rinse them and they stay in the sink. IF I am there putting my dishes in the dishwasher he will hand me his to put in. Not that I can’t do it, but hey... he can take that one step possibly two to put in his own. He seems to think that when I am around ... I am the MAID. News Flash... NOT! Well all I can do is shake my head on this one... If I leave the dishwasher door down because I know he will be coming soon to put his dishes in (I at least I tell myself that if I do this he “will” put them in ... this is one of those subtle hints we try to give our hubbies that they never get) anyhow... I come back later and find... you guessed it... the door still down. Gotta love’m

Socks, Laundry. Laundry, Socks.

Does your Husband ever leave his socks balled up next to the bed (or his chair, or in the bathroom, or wherever it happens to be that he's removed them?)

I often find my Husband sitting on his side of the bed reading, with a pair of balled up socks on the floor nearby.

"I'll say: "Are you planning on wearing these again?"

And I'll get a somewhat sheepish look back:

"No." (By "No", he actually meant, "well, yes, so I don't have to look for clean ones in the morning." Because, you know, socks can air out, right? It's better for the environment!)

So, I pick up the sock balls and put them in the hamper (which is approximately two feet away).

Rule of thumb: When you own your own washer and dryer (and you have someone else doing the laundry for you): the life expectancy of sock wearing equals one day.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Mr. Clean


Do you ever go into your shower and find that your Husband appears to be using the smallest possible sliver of soap that anyone could ever use? Like something that literally must require him to hold it with a tweezer? I'll be cleaning his shower and see these tiny, miniscule, micro slivers of Irish Spring, so tiny, in fact, that if you go to pick them up, they just kind of dissolve.
Because that's so much easier than just saying to your wife:
"Honey, buy some soap."
(Or, heaven forbid, "Is there more soap?" to which the answer tends to be: "Yes, it's with all of the other extra soap, in that magical place called a "closet" which is where we keep the soap.")

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF HUSBANDS........

E-mailed to me today with the quote.....
"Finally an accurate description of me"......
Atleast he recognizes his faults......

Monday, September 14, 2009

It's Football Season

Do I need to say more?

Foam Fingers, Cheese-Head hats. The whole nine yards. Literally.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Crossing the State Line

Yesterday I was at a baby shower for a friend and I was sans-baby. I had left our girl at home with the Husband. I called after a while to check in and I could tell that they were in the car. I asked, "where are you guys?" "We're in Pennsylvania"

Mind you, we do live not too far from the border, and in all fairness I was in New York for the day, but still.

"Are you looking for Chick-Fil-A?"

"Yup."

Yes, he had taken my child across state lines to find fast food.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Apparently, All Clothing Looks Alike To Them

So one evening, when the Baby was about 6 or 7 months old, the Husband was getting her ready for bed. When I come upstairs to help, I find our daughter changed into her Jammies. Except, she wasn't wearing Jammies, she was wearing a long-sleeved, footed play romper with a floral print and a fancy lace collar. While this may have been considered jammies in the Elizabethan period, it certainly wasn't the kitten-print flannel PJs I had in mind.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

SUE ARE YOU LISTENING???

I am married to a World Class Talker......
If they had Olympics for talking he would be Mark Spitz....
Yes, ladies be jealous if you will....I have a husband that actually talks....
I know there are some ladies out there who have the type of husband that can take a road trip and not say a word for 8 hours locked up inside a car.....
Not me....
But with that comes a few roadblocks....
He never shuts up....
He can talk for 4 to 5 hours on end without taking a bathroom break and he's been doing it
for the past 39 years....
I know everything there is to know about Joseph Stalin and we have re-created
World War 2 more times then I care to count.....
I think he wanted daughter to get a law degree just so he could talk to her about the
Constitution.....daughter....can you verify that.
But it took him 39 years to come up with a way to catch me not listening....
I usually will sit and just nod and on occasion say the obligatory
"Uh Hu"....."Okay"......"I Agree"....
but today he caught me.....
While talking about the life and times of Vince Lombardi.....(photo above)
Oh and by the way this discussion was brought on after seeing the story on the news about the high school coach that is being prosecuted for the death of a player......
When half way through Vince's career highlights the "Boss" as the husband is called...
interjects the name of another football coach...
"Colonel Klink"
Finally after all these years he has figured out that by throwing in a fake name he can actually see if I'm paying attention...,.
Ofcourse I always have atleast one ear open just for this type of thing so I caught it immediately and asked what did Hogan's Heroes have to do with Vince Lombardi.....
We did have a good laugh.....then went on to the next subject of
Conversation.......

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Caddy Shack

Yesterday, from a third story window, the Husband spotted a ground hog in our yard. Now this particular creature has made many, many, large gaping holes throughout our front and back yard (but, it's just so damn cute!). Upon seeing the critter, the Husband, determined as ever, runs downstairs. The next thing I see is him stalking through the backyard (armed and dangerous) looking very Jason-Bourne-Esque attempting to rout out the ground hog which has taken off for greener pastures.

I'm sure TNT a-la Bill Murray in Caddy Shack won't be far behind.

Friday, September 4, 2009

SHOOT FIRST.....DRESS LATER.

Let me first preface this story by saying we live in a state that not only allows gun ownership.....
They encourage it.....
Infact the next town over requires all it's residents to own a gun...
If you own a house......you have to own a gun....
Now with that being said.....
A number of years ago we were sitting around the family room when we started to hear strange scratching noises....
Much like the scene in Christmas Vacation when only Aunt Bethany can hear the noise.....
We have a wood burning stove in this room with a huge stone back wall and a big stove pipe that comes out of the wall.....
The noise finally showed itself.....a squirrel came right out from where the stove pipe meets the stone....They are limber little buggers....
It started darting all over the room...running behind all the furniture....
At this point me and the daughter run up to the second floor and proceed to watch the excitement from the balcony over looking the great room....
We think this is pretty funny in a creepy sort of way....The husband starts chasing the squirrel to try to get it to go out the front door.....
He calls for backup in the form of our Golden Retriever Gunther......
Gunther was just a big hunk of love and not exactly a dog with killer instincts....
The husband is calling Gunther and what does he do......well...he runs up the stairs and comes and stands behind us......
now the husband is pissed because even the dog deserted him.....
and it didn't help that we were laughing.....
First rule.....when a husband is pissed...don't let him think that you think it's funny...
He finally gets the rodent out the front door.....and by the way it was just a baby squirrel and pretty cute at that...
When he reaches for his shotgun and goes running out the door chasing this little thing....
He fires a shot into the grass missing the squirrel and the squirrel by now is long gone....
Now this might not seem like a stupid husband thing to do right?
Well picture a 250 pound man chasing a 2 pound squirrel at night with a
shotgun....
In his jockey shorts and shoes.....
Thank God it was dark out.....

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Message from A. Husband

Howdy, ladies! Here's one for you: sometimes husbands actually read their mother-in-laws' blogs, where they find and click on interesting-looking links ... like this one, for instance. Of course with clever pseudonyms like "The Missus", "Sue" and "Thisbe" one cannot say for certain who is posting stories about whom, but what is certain is that the posts are in fact pretty darn funny. Of course one could always see how some husbands who weren't given the courtesy of a heads-up that their wives were going to be blowing off steam might find it, I don't know -- somewhat mean? But don't let that discourage you: keep up the great work! Practical tips like "just let her buy her own gifts" and "stop doing yard work" are almost as priceless as the stories. Yours faithfully, A. Husband

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Bad Timing

The Husband isn't much of a conversationalist, which is a sticking point for me since I come from a long, long line of talkers. But, when does he put on the Chatty-Cathy? Whenever there's something on TV that I want to watch! Or if I'm on the phone (i.e., with someone else). What's with that?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Annoying and Stupid

Cheri says:

Leaving Lancaster and heading up to Erie I decided it was safer for me and the pups (hubby is constantly on the phone with work) if I did the driving... How hard could it be since hubby bought me a new GPS that is more detailed then the last one. There was a time when I was a pro at map reading and my confidence in getting us from point A to point B never waned until I got married and slowly my confidence dwindled and now I go no where or rely on my GPS, but I digress ... The GPS said to go one way and hubby kept sticking his finger in my face (which is completely ANNOYING) pointing in the complete opposite direction, so knowing hubby like I do, it was best to go his way.

After buzzing down the high way a bit I hear, “I knew I should have done the driving.” Not only did my confidence wane after that comment but he really ticked me off since it was the direction he pointed for me to take in the first place! How could he be so thoughtless (since he was on the phone and the person on the other end heard) when he knows how fragile my confidence has been since we moved and trying to find my way around.

I also have one of “those” husbands that even though the map, GPS and daughters directions say to go this way, he always likes to find “the short” cut that ends up taking us longer. Plus the fact that whenever I say something like, “ I am sure that we are suppose to take 401 not 501” that in his mind I am never and I repeat NEVER right, and when I am, right that is, he can NEVER admit that he should have listened to ME. So... we take a supposed “short cut” to daughter’s new house in NC and when we come to a cross roads he goes left up 501, I said, “you should have went straight and stayed on 401.” Hubby: “No, I think we were suppose to turn here.” Me: “I really think we were to go straight”About 6 miles up the road hubby realizes we should have went straight and then says, “I guess we should have stayed on 401 and went straight but I thought this was a short cut, why didn’t you tell me?”

Can you hear my head EXPLODE!

Who Knew I Was Married to a Cross-Dresser?

Earlier this summer the fam was hanging out by the pool. Mom and Dad were in town and we were having a nice relaxing swim. The Husband, as usual, was doing yard work. After a bit though, he decided to join us. He went inside to put on his trunks and when he came back outside he was getting ready to do his traditional cannonball into the pool. I happened to notice that his red swim trunks looked a little tight. Upon closer inspection, when he went to get out of the pool, I was surprised to see a very Ralph-Lauren-y nautical button/sailor pant motif going on on the front of the shorts. (Not the usual drawstring that the trunks typically have). When he was about to jump in for the second time it was then that I realized he was wearing my mom's shorts, not swim trunks. According to the Husband, he just picked up the first pair of red shorts he found in the laundry pile. While I'm sure we're all glad to know that at least he wasn't wearing women's underwear under the shorts, the down side for my mom is he wasn't wearing any underwear at all. I don't think we'll ever look at those poor shorts the same way again.