What Would Bill Cosby Think?

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and as part of my order I picked up a six pack of Jell-O Pudding cups.

Chocolate Jell-O Pudding cups.

I'm trying to be good, but I figured that the Husband would want one and I'd be able to snag a spoonful when he endulged.

After dinner, he made no mention of the pudding. I didn't want to have a whole cup myself, so I went upstairs to get ready for bed, slightly sad to have had no pudding.

This morning? I'm down in the kitchen and what do I see in the fridge (or should I say, what don't I see in the fridge?) five pudding cups. When I go to toss something in the compactor, there is the hard evidence: an empty cup.

Sure, the Husband brought up a nasty old bag of pretzels when he retired to the bedroom, but all signs would point to him having consumed a pudding cup all by his lonesome down in the kitchen sometime during the night.

Marital rule of thumb? Always share chocolate!!!!!

And What About a Nap for Mom?

Today my Husband came into the kitchen (closely followed by our toddler) and said:

"I guess this is why people have two children. So they can play together and let their Dad nap."

Uh, huh, and exactly when would Mom be taking a nap in this scenario? (Certainly not while Dad is at work and she's home taking care of *two* children!)

I guess on the basis of this reasoning that Duggar guy must be getting a lot of extra sleep.

Oh, to be Six Again....

This great story is courtesy of Cheri:

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall Of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside Down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked:

'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Washer/Dryer... aren't they supposed to be in *THAT* Order???

Cheri asks:

What husband does this? Shouldn’t the washer be on the other side of the dryer so moving clothes to dry would be easier? I guess we can tell who doesn’t do the laundry in this house.

Some Christmas Stories from Cheri!

Gave husband money to go Christmas shopping for me, but let me back up and say that $125.00 for us back about 20 years ago was quite a chunk of change for us, so I left him to challenge the Mall and see what wonderful goodies would await me on Christmas morning... I got a long night gown, OK good so far, but after many presents later that were from parents and siblings I had wondered how a night gown could cost $125.00. To my surprise, my hubby, decided to buy himself a gun, so all of my gifts ended up in his gun collection.

Another year just about everything he bought me was in camo, too bad that wasn’t the fashion that year. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against a woman wearing camo but there has NEVER been a time that I have ever had the need to wear it. So suffice to say, my girls do his shopping for him and let him know what he owes them. Personally I think this was his plan all along so he could get out of going to the Mall.

Real or Fake?

The Husband and I got our Christmas Tree the other day. It's a live tree and he kept going on and on about how fresh it is. How the needles are all still soft.

He put it up and we decorated it.

The next day I asked: "Have you watered the tree yet?"

"No. I don't think it makes a difference."

Now we basically have a decorated, electrified tinder-waiting-to-happen in our family room.

Of course it doesn't matter! They just put that water receptacle in the base of the tree stand for looks!

HUSBANDS MASTERING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE....

On a trip to Germany back in 1970 we had the pleasure of staying at a fancy hotel in Munich....

The room up on the top floor had sloped ceilings a marble bath complete with

a telephone and a beautiful big glass top table...

Actually our room was up in the attic......but we were 20 and 21....What did we know.

After checking in the husband decided we needed some drinks and back in the

70's they didn't have soda machines down the hall.....

So in his best German he attempted to order room service...

He picks up the phone and this is what I hear.....

"I would like zwei Cola-Cola mit ice-n"

translation.....2 Cokes with ice.

why is it when people try to speak another language they tend to add

letters onto English words....

Have you ever heard anyone trying to speak Spanish....

the letter "O" usually gets added to the end of everything.....

Like this is going to make the poor person understand you better...

In this case Coca-Cola became Cola-Cola.....like a college cheer

and the letter "N" got added to ice.....

Room service guy shows up a few minutes later with 2 little glass coke bottles...

2 glasses of "ice-n"....on a tray and places it on the glass table.....

Gives us a look like we're two American nuts and leaves....

I'm hysterical by this point just from hearing Cola-Cola....

Husband picks up the Coke bottle and it promptly slides out of his hand....

Falling on the glass table and shattering the glass in a million pieces....

next morning we check out of the room and casually mention to the front desk clerk that the glass on the table broke and to please charge us on the bill for the damage....

He misunderstood us......thinking we broke "A" glass he added zwei dollars to the

bill.....Husband in his best English said....

Thank You......and we quickly departed out the front door.....

40 years later and we are still laughing at

"zwei Cola-Cola mit ice-n"....

Perception versus Reality

The baby asked for cold milk in a sippy cup. The Husband says: "The stuff in the dishwasher is clean." I think to myself, it's not clean. I didn't run it, but okay... I open the dishwasher and there are crumbs on the door and you can just tell that the stuff inside isn't clean.

The Husband tells me: "I got a sippy out of there this morning!"

Okay. I say: "It's not clean."

"But I got a sippy this morning."

Then I pull a plate out and show him a residual piece of old tuna fish.

He says: "But what I got was clean."

I'm thinking, okay, but the machine has dirty dishes in it, so therefore, whatever you pulled out of it had been used before and not washed.

I pick up a glass and say: "Look, this has lip-prints on it."

He counters with: "But what I got out was clean, you're showing me the wrong evidence."

Yes, because clearly, the machine was run and the only thing that got clean was the one thing you pulled out!

Stupid Things Other People's Husbands Do

I'm guessing it started off something like this:

"Honey, you've really got to do something about the leaves piling up outside."

(Which usually means, either put them in bags for the garbage men to take away, or find out when it's "leaf day" in your town, or mulch them... typically it does not mean what I saw on my way home today)....

There he was, somebody's husband, who had diligently folded down the seats in their Volvo wagon, covered the inside of the car with a blue tarp and was using a giant snow shovel to fill the car up with the leaves that were in a pile in front of his house.

Where exactly was he planning on taking them? Who knows!

I guess he should get points for knowing where a tarp was. Hmpf.

HUSBAND GOT AN ITCH?

TRY THIS............

And Sometimes Other People's Husbands Do Stupid Things Too....

Like the man who came to my garage sale yesterday and paid me a quarter for an old remote control.

I don't even know what it was for (old TV, VCR, air-conditioner? Who Knows?)

Likelihood that he owns the object that it's compatible for? Zero

Maybe he lost his remote at home and just wants to be able to sit around in his Lazy-Boy holding on to something. I'll leave it at that.

HUSBANDS AND SEARS.......A Love Affair.

Okay what is it with husbands and Sears....Men flock to Sears and Craftsman crap like

us ladies flock to Louis Vuitton and Chanel......

Only the stuff we buy serves a purpose.....

Which brings me to today's visit to our local Sears Service Center

to drop off our steam cleaner that breaks more often then works....

I leave the husband for two minutes to turn in the broken machine and next thing I know he has the young kid salesperson going through boxes looking for who knows what?

Not only is this a drop off service center but leave it to Sears to sell

re-conditioned crap that other people have returned....

Hey.....that's where the husbands come in....Sears knows they have a market for this stuff....

That's when I see kid salesperson bring out a big box from the backroom.....Was I the only one to notice what the big box said.......

Now I don't know about you ladies but when someone is trying to sell me something that has

been "re-conditioned"....I wouldn't take a box that says "DAMAGED" on the side if they gave it to me for free....

Are you with me on this one.....

So I hear Boob #1 behind the counter say to Boob #2 in front of the counter....

"Oh just ignore that it's fine"......

followed by Boob #2 saying....

"Oh Okay"....

Now the item in question works with a big ass battery.....does the battery come with the item....

NO.

Why would it........this way Sears can sell you additional crap so item can work when you get it home....

So.....next thing I see husband out in front of the store on the sidewalk with "kid salesman"

rooting through a bin of Craftsman tool bags....

Not just any tool bag......inside you get a drill and a flashlight....the needed battery and a

charger all for $39.99......

Now how can any husband worth their weight in power tools pass up such a deal....

I was offered 3 bags of trash compactor bags so I took him up on that offer and we are now the proud owners of this.........

Yes......a Die Hard truck.....minus a battery to make it work for $39.99

so for a total of a little under $80.00 we now have a toy truck

to torment the dog and a new flashlight.....

Oh I forgot the tool bag and the 19.2 Volt Battery so that the truck isn't just a big useless

piece of plastic......

You Gotta Love Sears.

HUSBANDS WITH FAULTY MEMORIES......

This morning this is what showed up on my doorstep......beautiful flowers....... Later on in the day the mailman......delivered these little Halloween Goodies.....

Included were 2 Halloween/Anniversary Cards......

From the Daughter.......

No point in getting married on a major holiday when the day comes and the husband says when he sees the flowers being delivered......

"Oh.....is today Halloween?"..........

Thanks daughter!

Here are a couple of great contributions from Cheri:























A Head for Numbers:

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 


'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!

Where The Wild Things Are

Where are the Wild Things?

They should make a new children's story.

The Wild Thing is in the guestroom, watching football on tv. He's the Husband (or aka "Dad", to the little ones) and this is what happens when he doesn't shave (or shower) on a Saturday.

Things That Go Boom.

Not too long ago I was in a car accident. I was at a red light, waiting to make a right hand turn and a car hit me from behind.

Both my Husband and my Dad asked: "Did you see them coming?"

I think this serves to demonstrate that men and women operate automobiles very, very differently. How often do you find yourself sitting at a red light, waiting to make a right turn, looking in your rearview mirror to see whether someone is going to come up from behind and hit you?

It's just like how men won't sit with their back to a door!

Boo!

Stupid Thing # 2046:


Is it just me, or does your Husband also have the keen ability to sniff out whatever Halloween candy that you've bought (and hidden) and then eat it all well before Halloween?



Hello, I bought it to give away to *kids*!!!

(image courtesy of Hersheys.com)

Go Buckeyes!

Cheri says:

A friend sent this to me and I thought it was too funny not to share.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt..

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

OTHER WOMEN'S STUPID HUSBANDS..........

Maytag repair called me today to renew my service contract on my dishwasher....

And it got me thinking that there are Alot of really Stupid men in the

Home repair/appliance repair/Home improvement

Industry....

And these men most likely have some poor suffering wife at home

shaking her head and wondering how did she end up married to this

Boob?

Instead of a Boob.....what happened to all the Bob Vilas of the world.....

Why doesn't a Bob show up to fix my stove or help me at the

Home Depot....

No Bob's to be found.....only Boobs.....

H ere are a few good examples.....

Last time Maytag sent out a guy to repair my dish washer he didn't have a clue........ First of all he was British...

Have you ever in your life had a British repair man show up at your door.....No.

Men with English accents should not be servicing appliances....

They seem...well........too dignified....

He was nice enough and I really enjoyed hearing him talk....it was like having

"Lovejoy".......Ian McShane in your kitchen....

But the poor man didn't have any idea how to fix a dish washer......

After about a half hour of fiddling and doing nothing....he admitted he was new and his

last job was that of a T.V. repair man......

Great...... A Boob with an accent.

Then there was the guy in the flooring department at the Home Depot.....

Needing to replace our outdated linoleum floor in the kitchen I went looking for

hardwoods.....

I brought in my measurements nice as could be and picked out lovely stained wood....

I got a price with installation and made an appointment for the

measuring guy.......this is a real job?.....to come and verify my measurements....

What's worse then a repairman with no experience.....

A man with a Tape Measure who doesn't want to work....

He takes all the crucial measurements and the next day Boob #1 calls me with the bad news....

You can't have a hardwood floor put down because the floor is 1/4 of an inch off in two spots...

1/4 of an inch people!!

Is there any house ever built who's floor is perfectly level....I would think not.....

That's when this genius gives me the good news....

It seems the only possible thing I can install on this floor is

#1......more out dated linoleum.....or......

#2. CARPET.

Only a man would suggest that you put carpet in a kitchen.......

And then you have the Home Repair guy.....

You know like a handyman.....

Sometimes these guys operate in the after hours....after they finish up their day time job....

A strange bunch but sometimes you need to use their services.....

We hired this man to turn our washer/dryer area in our kitchen into a pass thru island into the family room.....

He showed up every night on time doing a little bit every night....

dry wall.....trim.....and he was almost done....and he was to get paid at the end of the job....

Then one night he never showed up.....Job undone....no money changed hands....

But do you think a women would work for weeks then disappear one night and never come back to get paid....

This guy went from your basic Boob to a Big Moron....

and the Plumber that came in after him to install a little prep sink....

hooked up the hot and cold water backwards.....

Case Closed......

cartoon courtesy of www.cartoonstock.com

The Weather Channel

Why is it that so many men, the Husband included, are obsessed with "The Weather Channel"? There was a time in our married life where he would have the local forecast channel on in the background so often (with that goofy-oft repeating muzak) that I felt like I was living in a hotel room.

And it's not just him. The other night we saw a commercial for Comfort Hotels and the commercial showed a family staying at one of their hotels and getting ready for a day on their vacation. The announcer says: "Dad's checking the weather, while Mom and the Kids are getting ready!"

Last night we were deciding whether to suit up the baby in a sleep sack and the Husband's response was: "Check weather.com!"

This would all be perfectly fine except for the whole fact that the folks at The Weather Channel (and meteorologists in general) have pretty limited abilities when it comes to forecasting beyond the immediate future. This continually leads the Husband to be revising his own forecast and getting frustrated that he's seeded/fertilized and it's not going to rain, he's washed the car and it is going to rain, it's cold but he has no coat or it's hot and he's got on a sweater.

Personally, I just want to know the extremes-- is it going to be really hot, really cold or will it rain. Otherwise, surprise me.